After a long time

"In the past, I have lived with pride as well as with a sullen vigour.

We were great you see, the greatest that had been a part of myself. The greatest that we had seen. Stronger than I had ever been, In my mind.

We were rotten you see, the worst that we could be - the weakest we could be probably. Weaker than we had ever been.

The mind flooded with thoughts. The mind was full of doubts and it still is. The mind was full of remorse and still is. 

I remember me being me each day. I don't how it comes to me. I don't know why it comes to me. 

I wish it never to come to me. But I have been a hapless toy to my mind - as hapless as I ever was - the monster no one knows of - the evil that has weirdly enough built itself in this mind - stronger than the mind itself.

I AM NOT FINE. AND I AFFIRM IT HERE. IT IS DIFFICULT NOT TO. IT IS DIFFICULT TO LIE. IT IS BAD TO LIE. 

It feels so easy to laugh. It feels so easy to smile.

I have failed to realise why I seek freedom and love so badly. Many don't and though they are interchangeable in literature, they actually seldom come together. 

I found a family beyond my family in places where I've lived. I have found freedom in places I had never been to. And yet even the slightest of disharmonies cause me to lose the calm I always have, or at least, in theory, try to have.
I had been a bad boy or to be precise, a bad human being - a creature so vile and dirty in conduct under the garb of a saint in a millennium that I still shudder when I recreate those events. And trust me, they force themselves in, I never pull them.
I just want peace. That is probably one reason why I love silence, why I love songs that my friends consider old. Or maybe, I am just like a growing child, still in the infancy of adulthood's charm or maybe I have already rejected a part of it - covering it with a more senile garb of understanding.
Whatever it may be, all I know is that I have 
SEEKING ANSWERS THROUGH AND BEYOND.
UNDERSTANDING REASONING, REASONING WITH UNDERSTANDING